finger wraps

It's been a loooong time since I've linked up for confessions. I just haven't had anything good to confess.  Life has been pretty bland lately (and I'm okay with that!). I have a couple things to confess, although they aren't the juiciest, it feels good to get it off of my chest.

Negatives:

-My finger has been healing really good. But it's a freaking bitch typing at work. I wrap my finger up with a bandaid, and this cute (pink) self-adhesive wrap.  It gets pretty grimey by mid-day so I end up taking it off and regretting every minute of it.  I've even dug in the garbage to put it back on. #Gross

-My coworker and her missing snake. Read the story on Tracey's WTF Wednesday post here. (It really is still missing. My guess is its hard as a rock curled up in the back of some closet, or maybe it slithered out of the house).

-Missing the van on Monday. My morning routine SUCKS SO BAD.  I'm in this funk where I have to make sure I have make up on before I leave the house because I'm going on the van.  I don't want to show them my hideousness prior to makeup. I don't even know the van people that long yet! It's only normal to make sure I look decent for complete strangers, right? Putting on make up takes SO MUCH TIME OUT OF MY MORNING ROUTINE. UGHHH. (P.S. prior to the van I would just bring my small makeup bag and do it at work 5 minutes before I'd start working. That 5 minutes in the morning now is a matter of me missing/making the van)

-My ex-boyfriend texted me last night at 2:30am. This requires a story.

So the story is: we met when we were 15 while I was working at a pizzeria and he was a cart boy for the food store in the same complex.  He would always come to the pizzeria for his lunch.  I stalked AOL profiles for "cart boy" and "shop rite" in the occupation section, obviously the town as well, and had two results. I imed this person (LeSsThAnJaKe16) and asked if he knew any cartboys that worked at shoprite and he said "I am one, haha" lol and the rest is history. So basically we've been friends since we've been 15 and dated on and off throughout highschool, had a short stint during college and after. It just didn't work (obviously I'm married to Michael now!). But anyway, we kind of fell apart in terms of friends after I started dating Michael but kept in touch every so often via Facebook and Text.  The other day he uploaded a song album cover on Instagram and it threw back SOOOO many memories of HS that I couldn't NOT text him. So I did and basically a couple exchanges just seeing how our families were doing (were close with both families) and that was the end of it.

had to post a picture of AOL profiles, i mean because really. look at our life from the 90's and early 00's!

So there's the back story, and honestly I don't really want to share the text he sent me (it was along the lines of him missing me) but I half wondered if he even meant to send it to me, or his girlfriend? Or what? Obviously he was drunk texting because it made NO sense, and at 2:30am, hello who does that when we are 29 years old on a work night?!?!  I don't know. I'm just like "WTF" about that one that it needed to be included in this confession. 

MAJOR NEGATIVE:

My macbook crashed (it's from 2009) and now I have no computer to use at home. I ordered a Macbook Air.  There went the shopping freeze out the window.

POSITIVES:

+I need to get some serious claps for my cooking skills lately (and the fact I've actually cooked dinners for the most part on a daily basis! except that time we had to have subs...). These two are my favorites (images from individual websites in links btw)  and will absolutely be put in my "rotation" of meals.  I was getting SO sick of Chicken Quesidillas and Beef Tacos!

     +This Creamy Chicken Tortilla Soup made in the crockpot. Holy Deliciousness!!

     +This Korean Beef Bowl recipe.  I'm currently waiting to heat up left overs for lunch!!

+The van pool.  I know, I know how many times can I talk about this stupid van pool.  It has changed my lifffeeeee.  It's so amazing not driving to work.  And I totally don't feel guilty at all that there is no spot for a woman who just started (who was rehired/ and used to be on my old van) and there is a van that is coming from my hometown, but I chose this one instead. Sorry, but not sorry!! P.S. there are no other vans coming from that area. Ha ha. suckerrrr

+Being approached by a project manager to apply for a Clinical Development Scientist position in work.  A) that's good because she things I can handle the work B) i really need to not be an admin anymore.

+This really didn't turn out to be a confessions post so I will let Kathy be the judge if she allows me to link up :)

Happy Wednesday.

I'm getting serious

Originally for today, I had figured on recapping the excursion we took in St. Lucia.  But yesterday happened and I just have to talk about it.

First though, I saw Neighbors last night with a friend. Oh my gosh, was it SO funny!! Of course I love any movie with Zac Efron, but Seth Rogen and Rose Byrne really made the movie! And can we just talk about how HANDSOME this man is?

YUM.

Anyyyyway. Let's get for real now.

I think I've talked about babies on this blog before, touched on here & here  Specifically that I'm really not sure that I want babies. They are expensive, they poop and barf, cry, bite, never let you sleep. My list can go on and on. But something maybe changed my outlook yesterday evening.

I got home, and caught up with my mom. I stay with my parents during the week to avoid a long commute.  I haven't talked much with her for about 2 weeks since I was on vacation and she just came back from one. Of course the first thing we talked about was the Revenge finale. I mean, oh my GOD. Did anyone see it, and how CRAZY was it?  Then we moved on to more serious things, like my dad. And his shitty attitude and outlook on life.  And how she just drove 600 miles with him and he didn't say a word to her the entire trip home. What the F? This is where I get my negativity from. Him.  It's very hard to control but he's just out of control.  She doesn't deserve his attitude.  Anyway, I'm going off on a tangent.

So, if its not my dad's shitty attitude, it's my one brother who upsets her, or my other one and his wife (they live locally, the other one doesn't).  My local brother is having a Memorial Day Weekend BBQ in their new home (they moved in last August).  My mom said, according to them it's just a small "friends" gathering.  Well of course I was invited and told her about it earlier in the week and she got upset.  Then last night she told me "is it really hard to cook 3 friggen hamburgers on the grill. I don't know. I just don't care about it anymore". She's so upset and has every right to be.  This isn't the first time they've done this.  They've had multiple parties (Memorial Day Weekend, 4th of July, Christmas) all for friends but none of our family was included. My parents live 15 minutes away from them.  Why is it so freaking hard for them to include my parents? My mom is the sweetest woman you could ever meet...my father, okay he's grumpy I get it.  But anyway, so they have a daughter, my niece who I RARELY see.  Same goes for my parents, but when they need my mom to babysit they call in the drop of a hat.  And my mom does it, because she just wants to spend any chance she gets with the little munchkin (who by the way is freaking ADORABLE).

My other brother who lives across country has two daughters, and for obvious reasons we see them about 1x a year.  So between the far away granddaughters and the 15 minutes away with stupid parents granddaughter, my mom has NO relationships to brag about.  I am sad for her.  She deserves to have a grandchild that she can see without restrictions.

Which puts an unbelievable amount of pressure on me.  Just saying.

But I want my mother to be able to have a grandchild who she really knows. Who she can see change on a monthly or even weekly basis.  Who she can spoil and want to play with every weekend even if it's for a short amount of time.  A grandchild that she will be able to take to the park, or feed snacks to without being reprimanded.  She deserves it. And I really want to be able to do this for her.

I think in my near future, it will be something that's going to happen.  Of course my husband will be ecstatic as well, as he loves children.  It's time for me to grow up and be part of the miracle of life.  I know that when you plan to have a baby, you need to be able to do it for YOU, but my relationships with my mother & husband are so important to me, and I know that in time, I will be able to accept a baby in my life, after all I'll have 9 months to get ready.

Have you ever questioned wanting to have children? Or was there something that made you want to have them other than yourself?

Never underestimate the power of a bath

...and Celine Dion on a Sunday night to get your mind wandering.

Because I'm feeling extra sensitive (thanks pms?) tonight, I'm going to air out some of my grievances.

- I've reached the point in my life where I'm questioning everything.  Why am I 28 years old - where did the time go, more specifically, the past 7 years? Have I really been out of college that long?  And what do I have to show for it? An administrative assistant position. Four years of college and that's where I'm at? Why don't I have some glamorous job that I can rave about. More importantly, why do I feel the NEED to rave about my job? To make people jealous or envious? That's disgusting.

- I complain about my job everyday, yet I do nothing to change it.  I had a few spurts of optimistic behavior when I applied to a couple different jobs and went on interviews, but didn't get the job.  It all comes down to three words: Not Enough Experience. Where am I supposed to get that experience?

- Although I am not very Godly, I do (secretly) thank the Lord every single day for my former boss, Carmen.  If it weren't for her, where would I be right now? Still taking asshole customer service phone calls at a shitty VoIP company? I remember when I interviewed with her.  I was scared shitless because she seemed like such a tough woman, but it was that woman who saw something in me, and knew that I could excel.  Thank you Carmen, although I know she'll never see this.

- I sometimes miss my cats more than my husband when I am away from them during the week.  Probably because my cats show more love to me than he does.  Is that too much, too soon to let everyone know? My life isn't perfect...nobody's is.

- I like things that I can't afford and it pains me.  Whenever I go shopping, if I see something I like, I immediately look at the price tag, wondering if I can afford to buy said-item. Or what could I sacrifice that week in order to have it?  I've come to the conclusion that I am a borderline shop-aholic. Today I returned three items that I bought just for the hell of it because it temporarily made me happy.  Honestly, did I need that gold nailpolish? No. I bought two sweaters yesterday at NY&C just because they were only $15.00 each. Did I need them? And for work? No. I have SO many work clothes. I have to learn to say no to these objects.  I am starting to believe the quote: "Money can't buy happiness".

- I have a constant battle with myself on why I am not happy.  I should be happy that I have a job, even if it sucks. I should be happy I have a nice home, and a husband who loves me. And two cats that I can take care of. Love is all you need, right? But yet, I find myself struggling to see the positive in things. I really am a "glass is half empty person". In 2014, I will work on becoming "the glass is half full" person that I know I can be.

- I am 28 and still have no desire to have kids, nor do I see that changing in the future.  I feel like I am letting so many people down. My husband, my family, his family.  I feel like they are all looking at me wondering what is wrong with me.  Personally, there are some other reasons I don't care to share on a big part on why I don't want kids.  Something that I will never reveal.  But another part is that I have a fear of becoming pregnant and growing.  I can't even deal with PMS cramps, how am I going to carry a child?  I know that parents say things like "it will change when you have your own" but no, I honestly don't believe it.  I just don't like children.  They are annoying and I live paycheck to paycheck.  How could I put myself through the misery of having to spend on another human being that is going to DEPEND on ME to take care of? That's not fair to the child either...because I would want to be able to give, give, give and I know I wouldn't be able to do that. And as selfish as this sounds, I would have to give up A LOT and well, become selfless. (I'm sorry if that sounds really awful and you don't like it)

- Why am I living paycheck to paycheck? My husband and I both have very well paid jobs yet we find ourselves struggling every month.  If it's not our refrigerator breaking, it's the washing machine. Or the garage door.  My macbook crashing. Or the new door handles we've been needing since we moved in...or having the walls painted because I'm literally incapable of doing it myself because the ceilings are so high.  It's always something! (And yes I know I just re-did my 2nd bedroom, and we are getting a new mantle and TV mounted in the living room, but I see these as necessary improvements to my home).

- I sometimes want to take my blog public, but have a huge fear of my parents finding it and coming down hard on me about sharing "so much information".  I personally don't think I'm sharing that much information but they are so extremely old-school when it comes to the internet, and facebook...and "anyone can just look you up and find out what you did last weekend" or whatever else they come up with.

- I often am in a rotten mood...wait for it...because of acne. I am a 28 year old female living with acne and it is so frustrating.  Thank goodness it's not really on my face (knock on wood) but I have it so bad on my chest and back shoulders. I'm very sensitive about it and I've tried all kinds of ailments yet nothing works.  I read somewhere that your skin changes every 7 years so maybe that's what I am going through.

So, there you have it.  That's what's been on my mind lately.  If you made it through, thanks for reading along.  If you dropped off along the way, then I'll see you next time around.

And in the words of Celine Dion: "Don't surrender, cause you can win, in this thing called love life"